So its been a while since I've posted by I wanted to get back in the swing of things! My intention was to only continue this blog until our little bundle was here BUT I think that I may see how long this plays out.

For those of you who don’t know me personally (or who I don’t speak to on a regular basis) here’s a quick update on us.

1. We bought a house. It was quick and sort of “spur of the moment” (as spur of the moment as buying a house can be) but we are so happy to be in this new house and we are LOVING it!
2. I am pumping now (and have been since September). I’ll give you a bigger update on pumping in a little bit but it is going well and I am actually producing milk which is A MAZE ING!!!
3. Last Friday we were 35/35 (35 weeks with 35 days to go)…WHAT?!?!? This baby is coming and she is actually going to be here…like soon! CRAZY

Pumping Update/Summary

So I have been pumping since September. For those of you just joining us, I started inducing lactation back in may (ish). It started with birth control pills, and domperidone. In September, I stopped the birth control and went with just domperidone, fenugreek, and blessed thistle. I have changed the supplements a bit but its going well.

I started pumping at possibly the worst time ever during a REALLY stressful weekend so that wasn’t the greatest but I’ve stuck to pumping. I am going to be honest with everyone…pumping SUCKS…it’s the worst. I actually really hate it but it is necessary and important for our baby. I am producing about 1-2 oz. a day (depending on the day) and I am hoping that once Hayden gets here, I will get even more milk. I’ll keep you all posted. In the mean time I will keep pumping, I am currently looking for donor milk and we will hope for the best. Formula feels like a really big failure to me at this point but we of course won’t let her starve.

I don’t feel like I have done my very best with pumping. Partially because it really is very hard to get in a pump every 2 hours. Partially because it is a lot of work for a little outcome. I do feel like I am trying and that is all I can expect at this point.

Stay tuned for more! 

Fear

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a full on worrier. I worry about anything and everything, and if I can't worry enough...I worry that there aren't enough things to worry about. This is not my best quality, nor is it something that I like to focus on but when I started this blog I promised myself I would be honest and open with my feelings and these are things that have been weighing on my mind.

There has been so much going on in our life. These things are awesome and wonderful but we haven't had much of a minute to breathe...

We met with our doula this past weekend and she has asked us to do some homework. This homework was writing down all our fears, giving those fears a number and then doing a fear release activity. The thought of doing this activity really kicked that worry into high gear. Having a baby, moving, inducing lactation and growing a business does not provide a lot of time for relaxation and planning. Our weekends have been so busy that we really haven't been allotted a lot of time to prepare our plan of action. As I begin thinking about all those fears, I wanted to put them out there a part of my own fear release project.

1. Housing- We have had quite the housing saga. We currently rent. There was a time period where we were supposed to move. We got strung along a bit and then one day about 3 weeks ago we decided to buy a house...I know, we're a bit crazy. We close on the house October 10th but I still worry that we won't be ready by the time Hayden gets here. I want to have time to nest and now that we have our perfect home (we love it so much) I am worried about what comes with that. Will we close on time? Will something happen and the financing fall through? There is so much to worry about.

2. Inducing Lactation- I recently started pumping (blog post to follow) and it is TOUGH work. I worry that I won't be able to produce enough milk for our baby and we'll have to use donor milk. There is nothing wrong with this, but I want to be able to do this.

3. Our crazy dogs- Our dogs are so unpredictable and insane...I worry that they won't mesh well with the Hayden.

4. The big show- When it is finally go time, I will have a large role in the environment of the experience feels. This is an overwhelming responsiblity and I worry I won't do a good job.

5. Raising a freaking baby!!!- we tried to have a baby for so long. It is finally happening and that is SCARY!!!!!

Although these are all normal fears it is still scary to experience them. I am sure when that by the time we do the fear activity with our doula, I will have doubled my list. I am interested to see what she does with us and I will be sure to report back.

Having a baby is like planning a wedding...

Having a baby is a lot like planning a wedding. We have planned and executed two weddings (our original wedding and the one we count as our wedding date and then the second wedding was a small ceremony to “make it legal”…come on Ohio…get with the program). 

When you plan a wedding you need to:

-         Figure out the budget

-         Discover who you want to be there

-         Do a lot of decorating, cleaning and organizing of things

-         Hire the right people for the vision you have

-         Plan, stress, cry, and feel so excited!!!!

You need all of these things and more when you are planning to bring a child into this world…except it doesn’t just involve one day…its FOR. EVER. (just a side-note, I am a firm believer that marriage is forever, but you can have a great marriage without a wedding). So after our LONG journey of trying, we really had a long time to think about our birth and decide what and who we needed. So, we set out to find our “birth dream team”…we typically like to surround ourselves with awesome people and we figured our birth was not going to be any different.

We had a TERRIBLE experience with our first OBGYN office and were looking for a more natural birthing experience (not quite at home natural…but definitely less medicinal than the norm). It was a great choice for us to go with a midwife practice who we LOVE! They talk to us both as a couple and they involve me in the conversation (which lets face it…I’m bossy and I normally run the conversation…whoops).

I am inducing lactation so we knew we would need a lactation consultant. We found the most amazing lactation consultant who talks me off the anxiety ledge at least once a month (and I haven’t even started pumping…I know…I’m a little high strung).

We also hired a doula who we love and is amazing. She understands trans issues (and what she doesn’t understand she is willing to learn). She’s great and patient and I feel so confident that she will really help advocate for us.

I think the thing we have learned the most through this process is that we cannot do this alone. If we are going to have help we want it to be the best help we could find. The most important thing we could do for ourselves is to advocate for us and for our family. I think we are on a great track. 

You're gonna do what?!?!?!

Having a baby is an exciting time! There are lots of roles that parents and caregivers can take and each of those roles take an important position in making about 7,932,457 decisions (give or take a few). Once we found out we were pregnant, it was a no brainer that we wanted our little bundle of love to be breastfed.

The thought of breastfeeding our child is not something that Chris felt comfortable with. After some extensive research and speaking to other same-sex couples we decided that I would be the one to nurse our child. SAY WHAT?!!? You may be thinking to yourself “Lady, you must be crazy…you have to actually be pregnant to breastfeed a child” and to that I say “Nuh-Uh…I do what I want”.

This process is called “induced lactation”. Induced lactation is making milk without being pregnant or giving birth. The way to do this is (putting it VERY simply) is a lot of meds, a lot of dedication, a TON of patience, and a whole chunk of time. After doing a little bit of research I decided it would be best to contact a lactation consultant.

A lactation consultant is a person a health professional who specializes in all things lactation. I wasn’t sure where to start so I googled lactation consultants in Columbus, Ohio. I found A LOT of lactation consultants in the area and was shocked and surprised when MOST of them responded to my email like I was a total freak of nature. I knew that inducing lactation was rare but rare doesn’t mean you gotta be rude. I finally heard from a woman named Jill who was not only willing but excited to work with us and to help me induced lactation. After meeting with Jill, making a few doctor’s appointments, and picking up a few lengthy prescriptions I was on my way.

There are several medications you need to take to induce lactation and the sooner you can start them the better. I started the protocol in May and will stop ½ the medication and start taking a few herbs in September. As if the medication isn’t time consuming enough, in September I will start the pumping. 10-15 minutes at a time every 2-3 hours…FOREVER (or at least until the baby is born). All of these things together will HOPEFULLY help me to produced breast milk which will feed our baby.

You may read this and think, “wow…you’re nuts…that takes too much time and you get bored really easy…” Well the truth of the matter is, this is an important factor of parenting that we feel really strongly about. Not every family feels this is important and I won’t get into the debate about who is right and who is wrong. This is the path we have chosen for our family and although I’ve only undertaken the medication portion, I am excited to share the rest of this journey with others!

A Few No Nos

We started our journey to get pregnant in January of 2013. We were ready with pregnancy announcements, we bought a crib and a stroller and a car seat...I mean...we went a little crazy. Chris and I are certainly not the most patient people and when we decided we wanted a baby that meant yesterday. We didn’t think it would take us an entire year (and then some) to finally get (and stay) pregnant. When that beautiful little nugget decided it was time to grow, we were SO pumped to start telling people. It was even more exciting since we hadn’t told a lot of people we were trying. Pinterest gave me all these ideas and wonderful happy feelings about how beautiful the announcement would be and when you have a beautiful announcement and you’re having a baby then of course everyone will b happy and respectful and wonderful right?!?!? While that vision seems lovely...it isn’t always the way it turns out. Once a person says something that makes your jaw drop, you can’t help but start to think of who is going to say something insensitive or touch you inappropriately next. Now, before I move on, I want to lay this disclaimer: I WANT and welcome you to ask questions. I love explaining things to people that they don’t understand. What I want to reflect on today is how these questions might may a non-traditional couple feel.  

So lets discuss...

1. Who is the Mom? Who's having the baby?

These are ways that more often than not are trying to decipher who is actually carrying the baby. There is so much more to these questions than just the simple answer of Amy or Chris will suffice.

Who is the Mom? I have chosen to be mom. Mom, mama, mommy, ma, mother...whatever our child decides to call me, I want to be mom in some sense of the word. The further we get into this process the more I want to answer with “what f*@$ing difference does it make” but those thoughts are saved in my head and my feelings about this question will be addressed deeper in a different post.

Who's having the baby? WE (collectively) are having a baby. We are in it together, in it to win it, all hands on deck...when we say we...we mean we. Chris may be carrying this baby but I am doing the rest of the work (please do not think that this means I am discounting the job of growing a life...SUPER hard work). I am not complaining...like I said before, we are a team but the role of the non-carrier is tough work. Once our little bundle enters the world, I will be staying home with them (I work from home) and I will be breastfeeding (you heard that right...more on this in a later post as well). While I am always happy to explain to those who ask in a nice manner, “Who is having the baby” is a tough question to answer.

Something that I don’t think people take into consideration is the emotional tie that comes with asking “Who is pregnant”...it is deep, and painful, and sometimes even a bit resentful.

Yes, Chris is carrying our baby. We always make it a point to say “we are having a baby” but if you want my honest answer, this is not the way it was supposed to go. When you have a baby the way we chose to have a baby (yes, there are many different avenues you can take) you get one shot each month. After several failed attempts it became apparent that my body was not going to do what we wanted it to. This doesn’t mean that it would never do what we wanted it to, it just meant that we needed a new approach. This was really hard for me. We had A LOT of really inconsiderate and insensitive doctors. There was a lot of tears and even some resistance from me on switching in the beginning. I was supposed to be the pregnant one. I was supposed to carry our babies...someone else out there had a different plan.  I would like to leave this answer with the fact that I am 100% on board, supportive, and in love with both my spouse and my unborn child. These feelings did help me to grow and develop and discover a new side of me that I didn’t know existed.

2. How did THAT happen?

I know we all have been given the old “birds and bees” talk and when there are missing parts to the equation an person can get curious. Curiosity is okay, but please use a little tact.  So HOPEFULLY, you will be happy and celebrate with us and then, later, we would be happy to talk about how it is possible for us to become pregnant with a child.

3. Who is the Dad?

DANG! This question really kicks me in the junk a little. When I step back and think about what people are really asking, I HOPE they are referring to the donor (no, the donor is NOT this child’s father). That being said, yes, we acquired the missing link to our pregnancy equation (so to speak). We will answer questions about the donor for close friends and family... but to random people and the general public, please be comfortable with the answer that we took great care in choosing a donor, had a wide range of people to choose from and yes, be MOST CERTAINLY ensured they came screened for diseases and from a medical clinic...this wasn’t an eenie meanie minee mo experience in a bar...

THE ULTIMATE NO-NO

Hopefully, it has been established that Chris is pregnant and I am not. Chris is 100% uncomfortable with you touching the pregnant belly and I am sure as hell 150% uncomfortable with you touching my non-pregnant belly. This has only happened on one occasion and I quickly rerouted that hand to a difference direction. The rule applies that you should never assume a person is pregnant EVEN if they tell you they are having a baby.

A dream come true...that wasn't my dream to begin with...

Ever since I was a little girl, I KNEW I wanted to be a parent. I had this perfect view of what my life would look like. I knew I would grow up, marry some perfect man as soon as possible, have babies and live the whole happily ever after thing. I could see myself pregnant and I would often think about carrying my future children in my belly. MOST of that came true but it is NOTHING like I envisioned it to be. I DID grow up (sort of), I DID marry the most perfect person for me and we are having a baby!

The difference is that I married a transgendered person and they are actually carrying our baby. Our journey to our baby was a frustrating, devastating, sad, happy, strengthening and all encompassing.

Chris (my love) did not have any desire to carry our babes. It was not part of who he is and this worked fine for me because that was MY job, MY calling. After many attempts and A LOT of money we had no baby, no answers, and no hope. After a lot of contemplating and a fee tears, we decided to switch "baby holders" and try with Chris. Many more failed attempts but FINALLY...it worked! We are currently 17 weeks pregnant and are still in shock a bit about how we got here!

Our life is much like everyone else's but when it comes to certain things, we definitely feel as though we are swimming in some uncharted territory. It has been interesting to tell people we are pregnant...it's pretty horrifying when someone reaches out to touch my belly (yeah...talk about a blow to your body image) and it's getting pretty funny to watch people's face when I tell them "No morning sickness for me...I'm not the one who is pregnant".

Now, we don't want to make people feel bad or embarrassed but we also are still unsure how to properly speak to our awesome arrangement! We both decided to start blogs to capture our feelings and help spread the things we are learning along the way. Keep checking in and please don't be afraid to ask questions!