A Few No Nos

We started our journey to get pregnant in January of 2013. We were ready with pregnancy announcements, we bought a crib and a stroller and a car seat...I mean...we went a little crazy. Chris and I are certainly not the most patient people and when we decided we wanted a baby that meant yesterday. We didn’t think it would take us an entire year (and then some) to finally get (and stay) pregnant. When that beautiful little nugget decided it was time to grow, we were SO pumped to start telling people. It was even more exciting since we hadn’t told a lot of people we were trying. Pinterest gave me all these ideas and wonderful happy feelings about how beautiful the announcement would be and when you have a beautiful announcement and you’re having a baby then of course everyone will b happy and respectful and wonderful right?!?!? While that vision seems lovely...it isn’t always the way it turns out. Once a person says something that makes your jaw drop, you can’t help but start to think of who is going to say something insensitive or touch you inappropriately next. Now, before I move on, I want to lay this disclaimer: I WANT and welcome you to ask questions. I love explaining things to people that they don’t understand. What I want to reflect on today is how these questions might may a non-traditional couple feel.  

So lets discuss...

1. Who is the Mom? Who's having the baby?

These are ways that more often than not are trying to decipher who is actually carrying the baby. There is so much more to these questions than just the simple answer of Amy or Chris will suffice.

Who is the Mom? I have chosen to be mom. Mom, mama, mommy, ma, mother...whatever our child decides to call me, I want to be mom in some sense of the word. The further we get into this process the more I want to answer with “what f*@$ing difference does it make” but those thoughts are saved in my head and my feelings about this question will be addressed deeper in a different post.

Who's having the baby? WE (collectively) are having a baby. We are in it together, in it to win it, all hands on deck...when we say we...we mean we. Chris may be carrying this baby but I am doing the rest of the work (please do not think that this means I am discounting the job of growing a life...SUPER hard work). I am not complaining...like I said before, we are a team but the role of the non-carrier is tough work. Once our little bundle enters the world, I will be staying home with them (I work from home) and I will be breastfeeding (you heard that right...more on this in a later post as well). While I am always happy to explain to those who ask in a nice manner, “Who is having the baby” is a tough question to answer.

Something that I don’t think people take into consideration is the emotional tie that comes with asking “Who is pregnant”...it is deep, and painful, and sometimes even a bit resentful.

Yes, Chris is carrying our baby. We always make it a point to say “we are having a baby” but if you want my honest answer, this is not the way it was supposed to go. When you have a baby the way we chose to have a baby (yes, there are many different avenues you can take) you get one shot each month. After several failed attempts it became apparent that my body was not going to do what we wanted it to. This doesn’t mean that it would never do what we wanted it to, it just meant that we needed a new approach. This was really hard for me. We had A LOT of really inconsiderate and insensitive doctors. There was a lot of tears and even some resistance from me on switching in the beginning. I was supposed to be the pregnant one. I was supposed to carry our babies...someone else out there had a different plan.  I would like to leave this answer with the fact that I am 100% on board, supportive, and in love with both my spouse and my unborn child. These feelings did help me to grow and develop and discover a new side of me that I didn’t know existed.

2. How did THAT happen?

I know we all have been given the old “birds and bees” talk and when there are missing parts to the equation an person can get curious. Curiosity is okay, but please use a little tact.  So HOPEFULLY, you will be happy and celebrate with us and then, later, we would be happy to talk about how it is possible for us to become pregnant with a child.

3. Who is the Dad?

DANG! This question really kicks me in the junk a little. When I step back and think about what people are really asking, I HOPE they are referring to the donor (no, the donor is NOT this child’s father). That being said, yes, we acquired the missing link to our pregnancy equation (so to speak). We will answer questions about the donor for close friends and family... but to random people and the general public, please be comfortable with the answer that we took great care in choosing a donor, had a wide range of people to choose from and yes, be MOST CERTAINLY ensured they came screened for diseases and from a medical clinic...this wasn’t an eenie meanie minee mo experience in a bar...

THE ULTIMATE NO-NO

Hopefully, it has been established that Chris is pregnant and I am not. Chris is 100% uncomfortable with you touching the pregnant belly and I am sure as hell 150% uncomfortable with you touching my non-pregnant belly. This has only happened on one occasion and I quickly rerouted that hand to a difference direction. The rule applies that you should never assume a person is pregnant EVEN if they tell you they are having a baby.